The following was reported to have been overheard from the Annual Convention of Whitetail Deer Instructors.
Chief Buck Instructor: “Now, students, listen up! If you flunk this course, you don’t just fail, you end up as the main ingredient in Venison Stroganoff. Okay, here’s the way to keep your antlers off someone’s wall.
“First, do your juking at night. Feeding, too. Humans mainly hunt during the day, and even have laws against hunting us at night, so if you get out at night and lay up during the day, you’ll have a great chance of surviving the season.”
Chief Doe Instructor: “He’s right, girls. And night life is fun, anyway. Accommodate the guys in this while the season is on, and make your buck take you out to some of the best night spots. Why, there was this one little persimmon thicket….”
Chief Buck Instructor: “Ahem! Enough of that, Edna. All right, here’s a report from the Recon Team Leader.”
Recon Commander: “Now, on this map, you’ll notice we’ve plotted all the tree stands, salt licks, and wheat fields. By promoting the use of tree stands, we’re able to keep track of 99% of all hunters, and avoid them. Use the salt licks and wheat fields at night, or at noon, when all the hunters come in to eat and take a nap. Notice we have indicated which way all the stands face. To keep hunters from moving their stands, our Special Forces Platoon will come up from behind at least once a week, or else do a trot-by in the brush right at dusk. Very Important: make rubs and scrapes each night, always within sight of a tree stand. That keeps hunters from moving around.”
Chief Doe Instructor: “Ladies, teach your fawns and yearlings to look up! Few hunters ever stand on the ground these days, so let the kids help locate new tree stands.”
Chief Buck Instructor: “Okay, you guys with the big racks – this is recommended procedure for this season. You can mosey along in brush, if you just have to move during daylight – but whenever you reach a clearing, haul tail! Dash away, dash away all!”
Chief Doe Instructor: “Ladies, we understand that there are doe seasons in some areas this year. You’ll notice that those areas are also marked on this map. If you happen to be crossing one during daylight, here’s the foolproof method. Just as you walk into range of a tree stand, stop, flick your tail several times, and look back. It works every time. If a hunter thinks there might be a buck behind you, he’ll let you go by, so put on a good show, just as if you were enticing Bubba to ask you for a date.”
Chief Buck Instructor: “You young bucks, that method can also work for you. If you don’t get to your brush top before daylight, then act like there’s one of us mossyhorns close behind you. Act nervous, keep looking back and flicking your tail. It also works well if, just before you get within sight of a stand, you hook a dead sapling several times. Make it sound like you’re fighting a big buck, then run by the stand like he’s chasing you.”
Recon Commander: “Okay, notice these roads and four-wheeler trails we’ve marked on this map. It is vital that we make as many tracks in them at night as possible. Matter of fact, for the first week of the season we’ve scheduled a battalion parade each midnight down this main road, crossing this creek here at the ford, and marching along this four-wheeler track. If it rains, we’ll double-time as soon as it gets muddy enough for our tracks to be deep. This will keep the hunters close to roads, and away from our hideouts.”
Convention President: “I’d like to introduce the Head Squirrel, who’ll have a few words to say about this season’s co-op efforts. Sam?” (Polite applause)
Head Squirrel: “Thank you. My people are fully alerted to begin scampering about in the dry leaves instead of trees as soon as the season opens. If you do get spotted from a stand, we’ll immediately start scolding and fussing in the opposite direction, to distract the hunter as much as possible. We’ve also enlisted the armadillo tribe and the wild turkeys in this effort. We’ll make as much noise as possible around each tree stand, in order for the hunters to think there are deer all around them, and to confuse their direction if you are there. And, we thank you for distracting the humans for us, during squirrel season.”
Convention President: “Any questions? Fine. Just remember, guys: you can survive hunting season, if you don’t get to thinking too much about sex! Adjourned!”